Corona Chronicles

Thanks to my former student and family friend, Alec, for this picture. This is me right now.

We have done our best to stay busy and sane during this quarantine state of our world right now. Our jobs are continuing on as normal, with the exception of a few minor adjustments for Jordan. My role happens to be a booming business under these circumstances since I work for a virtual school. But, we both already work from home full time, so this wasn’t anything new. Summer stopped going to preschool, but aside from missing her teachers and friends, we just had to switch her to watching learning videos made by her teacher and completing workbook pages for 4-5 year olds throughout the week. Even she hasn’t been impacted too much.

We’re trying to keep each other entertained by cooking and baking new recipes, playing games, making crafts, and getting outside as often as possible. We’re also very mindful of keeping ourselves happy and healthy. We aren’t afraid to ask for some alone time or give each other some space, even though that can get tricky, especially with our 4-year-old shadow. For the most part, we are doing a pretty good job of managing this stay-at-home order within our four walls and it’s hard to believe it’s been over two months since we did anything “normal” or enjoyed something the way we used to.

But, this week was different. It hit us. Hard.

I haven’t cried this much in a long time. I actually woke up Friday morning and my cheeks were rosy and my eyes were sore, almost as though I was crying in my sleep throughout the night. To be honest, I might have been. I am not a crier, but could’ve fooled me this week. Most of the times, it did make me feel better, though.

The week started off weird. I was basically in a natural funk as it was, but then I found out that my brother and his wife were going to start letting immediate family visit and hold my new nephew. Super exciting, right? Not for me…but it’s not what you think.

You see, I’ve been waiting for this moment since August when we found out the little dude was on his way to join our family. I envisioned getting the call when they were headed to the hospital (which we did get and it was as exciting as I imagined it would be) and dropping everything to head up there to visit (this part didn’t get to happen). Instead, when we found out the day they were bringing their precious bundle home, we gathered up their favorite things, a few goodies for the baby, and decorated their porch. We weren’t allowed to be around each other and this was the only way I knew how to show our excitement and welcome them home. What I really wanted to do was squeeze them and snuggle that baby.

For a few weeks of them being home, it was understood that everyone was staying away. My parents went over there for a few visits through the window and to drop off groceries and gifts. We debated almost every day if we should do this too because I was dying to see him. Each day, we decided not to because you weren’t supposed to be out if you didn’t have to be. The baby was just shy of two weeks old when we decided we were going to be rebels and head out to their house and see him from a distance. This took me out of my comfort zone, but it was so exciting and he’s just the cutest little bundle. We drove home and I kept smiling and thinking about how that trip was worth it.

If you don’t already know this about me, I’m a rule follower. I believe our choices have consequences and it’s usually a straightforward outline of if you do this, then this happens. If you choose this, this will happen. Right now, no one has the answers. Nobody knows what the “right” thing to do is. And no one has gone through it before, so it’s impossible to draw from experience. I hate that. For people like me, it’s easy to follow the rules because I know what will happen if rules aren’t followed. Not now…I could follow every single guideline given and my family could still get sick. Other people can ignore every mandate and not get sick. That seems unfair to me. But it’s the world we are living in right now and I have to make decisions that I feel is best.

Fast-forward almost a month and here we are with an at-home order that seemingly continues to get extended. We’ve done the meal drop-offs, the quick chats to catch up from at least 6 feet away, and extended hours on FaceTime or Zoom calls. But, it’s not the same. People are getting tired of it and overtly demonstrating that by getting together. This bothers me for a few reasons. First and foremost, it goes against the rules. I know, I’m such a stiff. But, really…can we not just respect our leaders and just follow the mandate so we can all move on quicker? We aren’t exempt from this and being flagrant with your actions just feels so disrespectful to me. Secondly, it complicates our decision to continue to abide by the rules. You see, if everyone else is getting together NOW, it stresses me out when things do get lifted because we haven’t been. Everyone’s decision impacts someone else. And that’s frustrating when you feel like you’re one of the few following it.

We’re doing all the things. We wear masks when in public. We wash our hands like crazy and have sanitizer in every room. We only go to the grocery store once every week or two. We wipe down all groceries and packages before bringing them in the house. We haven’t had takeout or delivery. (My dad brought Summer a Happy Meal earlier in the week to suck up – more on that later – and I’m embarrassed about how long we contemplated allowing that.) We honestly feel spastic, but it gives us a feeling of security knowing we are doing what we can to protect us the best way possible. Is it over the top? Maybe. No one really knows.

Many people have asked me, “Well, what magically happens on May 28th?” I feel dumb every time I answer because I say, “I don’t know.” What I do know is that a lot has happened each week since March and I would assume it will remain that way. We might have no cases by then, we might have a vaccine, we might know more. Unlikely, I know, but it could happen. I also am not viewing the virus from a political or economic standpoint. Maybe that’s naive, but we are turning to medical professionals and scientists when making our decisions and discussing next steps for our family. So, even though I’m not sure what happens on May 28th, assuming our quarantine gets lifted that day, I am relying on them to tell me what to do next. Maybe that isn’t the bravest thing to do, or the most admirable, but we feel it’s the smartest.

Ultimately, this week, my brother and his wife went forward with allowing immediately family over. I could hear the disappointment in my brother’s voice when I politely declined the invitation. I stumbled over my rationale and the why behind our decision, mostly because I was fighting back tears. My heart was breaking.

I was sad that because we were following the rules, we had to miss out on something so special. I felt bad that we were going to be the last people to hold him and worried that it might one day translate to not wanting to, or not caring enough. I felt exhausted for having such a wishy-washing mindset. I felt confused. I’d wake up in the morning confident in one decision, but by day’s end, I felt lost, and sometimes even worse than the day before.

My brother reassured me that they didn’t have any hard feelings about this and respected our decision. Although I believe him, I explained that his decision complicated mine. With them opening up their house to people that could potentially be infected, before it was allowed, are we comfortable with letting those same people around our kiddo in two weeks? Essentially, we felt like we were being punished for following the rules. And I can’t emphasize that feeling enough. We kept coming back to that. And that is frustrating.

To add to this, we always camp with the family (immediate and extended) for Memorial Day weekend. These plans have been up in the air this year. The campground we go to is private, so they are open for business, even though we’re still in lockdown. This was a fairly easy “no” for us, as we don’t have a camper and would be mingling very closely with others for an extended period of time. We’re conscious of how those around us are (and are not) following the orders and that certainly crosses our mind when a decision like this arises. My parents graciously bowed out of the camping tradition that weekend and offered us to camp at their house. It could be a more controlled environment and we would do our best to make the most of it. This sounded fun and seemed like a good compromise, but each “yes” or “no” answer to a question we considered, made our ultimate decision unsure. AGAIN.

I’ve had countless conversations with my mom this week. She cried multiple times and I know the momma and gamma in her is just bursting. She’s torn between emotions and rationale like everyone else. I explained that her seeing her grandson this week might impact whether or not she can see Summer if/when things get lifted. I’m sure she could have strangled me and I let her know that I wasn’t trying to give an ultimatum. I encouraged her to see him and hold him if she felt that was right because Summer could wait. We’d shelter her from what she was potentially missing out on for an extra week or two and that price was worth it for my parents to share in my brother’s joy. We both sobbed together because all of this just seems so unfair.

I should have known my dad would be calling me next. He’s the logical, look-at-the-facts one in the family and he called to “check-in” but I knew what he was doing. He provided me with all the statistics of the virus and how it’s just like the flu and the economy needs to get back to normal and blah, blah. He wants to see his kids and grand babies as much as my mom, but his approach is so methodical. I somehow got through that conversation, but cried as soon as I hit the “end call” button. I absolutely can’t stand letting people down. I am a people-pleaser. I hated that I was telling my PARENTS that I was unsure about being at their house (my old HOME for crying out loud), that I was nervous about using their toilet, and that I might not let them hug my daughter. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have even fathomed those thoughts and here I was abiding by them.

There’s also a layer to this that just knows we are getting made fun of and mocked. Although we are certainly strong enough to wade through others’ opinions of us and do what’s right for our family, it’s weird assuming people are making a mockery of you. It’s also weird because no one actually knows what to do. But, everyone is sure opinionated about their choices and feel they have an obligation to judge yours. I think some of this is human nature, but there’s another layer of this that seems targeted and unfair. And while we respect what others are choosing to do during this time, we’d appreciate some respect too. But, I know right now, the only people I need to make a priority is my husband and my daughter.

The very next day, we made appointments to get antibody testing. Jordan was diagnosed with bronchitis in January and we had traveled to Florida. It was a long shot, but we figured this could potentially give us peace of mind and at a minimum, we were eager to speak with our doctors about this subject. My doctor seemed just as unsure as I did. On one hand, she said we need to follow the order, wear PPE, and stay home. But, in the next breath, she admitted that her children are hanging out with friends, taking general precautions, and insisted that we need to accumulate herd immunity or else we’ll be doing this forever. I asked her how she felt about being with family and my daughter hugging my parents. She grinned, at least I think she did based on the twinkle in her eye (I couldn’t see her mouth due to her mask), and said, “You can’t tell her not to hug them.” I felt a bit of assurance in what she was saying and was able to read between the lines. My doctor also told me to follow my motherly instincts. I cried on my way home because I don’t have those anymore; not concerning the virus anyway.

I got my results yesterday and I do NOT have the anitbodies. I figured as much, but this appointment was worth it. Jordan went the next day to his doctor, and came home like he had won the lottery. His doctor was confident in washing your hands, wearing masks around elderly and very young, but opening it up to family and slowly starting to get back to normal. He also said that he hasn’t been wiping down his groceries. Confirmation that we’ve been psycho. Jordan hasn’t received his test results yet. Wouldn’t it be weird if he had it, but I haven’t?

We were so relieved. I could have cried again, but didn’t really have any tears left. I felt a little bad again because here we were okay with easing up a bit after being such tight asses. But, it was the direction and advice we didn’t even know we needed to move forward. We called everyone to let them know and even though this news was exciting, someone at my mom’s work is currently waiting on COVID-19 test results since she was symptomatic this week. We had to put the dinner plans at my brother’s house arranged for last night on hold until my mom knows the results. It sucked being so close to being together, but we all know it’s for the best.

We are going to do a mini campout next weekend at my parents. We’ll each stay in our own quarters and keep a bit of distance throughout the day, but I’m hopeful it will feel how it used to for the most part. I can’t wait to hold my nephew. I can’t wait to give my brother and his wife a break. I can’t freakin’ wait to hug my family. And I can’t wait to see Summer with them. I’m building up my tears again because I know it will be an emotional one.

I sometimes get an overwhelming sense of guilt, as well. I feel guilty that this is my greatest concern. I know people are without jobs trying to make ends meet while being stressed about thinking how to survive a pandemic, teach their children from home, and manage household issues and demands. Granted, I’m doing those things too, but not in a pressure cooker with minimal resources. I’m lucky. I’m grateful that I am loved and love so many others that these decisions become even more complicated.

The CEO of my company said something a month or so ago and it struck me as being so wise: crisis reveals character. We are all so much more than we ever thought we were. We are resilient. We are strong. We are together, even when it feels like the distance between us is never-ending. We will get through this. We all want the same thing. Our approach just might be different.