Dog Days of Marriage

This one is ruff. I’m not going to paint myself, my husband, or our families in a beautiful picture with this post. Some of you know the struggle we experienced several years ago with our dog, Kobie, but on the third anniversary of Jordan painfully putting her down, I feel the need to clear the air by providing some background information and context to our ultimate decision. I guess I want to set the record straight. In the process of doing those things, I am going to be truthful and respectful while taking you to the most vulnerable place my marriage has ever been. My individual mental headspace was also fragile; the closest thing to scary and dark that I’ve ever experienced. My frustration, disappointment, and hurt feelings caused from people that I thought I could trust was truly tested. I’m proud we pushed through and did what was best for us, but I think it’s important to frequently revisit and reflect on how much we were challenged and how that can shape our future.

When I met Jordan in 2007, I was pretty certain we were going to end up together. I adored everything about him, except the fact that he adored his four-legged furry friend: his dog, Kobie. She was so young then, but already showing signs of aggression around people she didn’t know or like. But, for some reason, she loved me. I guess we both tolerated each other because we quickly learned that neither of us were going anywhere.

Before Jordan and I got engaged, I made it clear that if/when we had a family, and assuming his dog was still alive, we’d need to make sure she wasn’t going to be around our child(ren). He reluctantly agreed. I knew he hoped that wouldn’t ever need to come into play, but I sacredly held on to those words that would later come back to haunt him.

We found out in July 2015 that I was pregnant. We felt everything that all new parents feel: excited, nervous, thrilled, scared, and proud. And cautious. I honestly don’t know if Jordan felt that emotion, but I know I did. I hate that one of my first feelings after seeing that positive pregnancy test was, “Oh gosh..I know what this means for our dog, but how is Jordan going to handle this?”

Unfortunately, a couple of weeks after finding out about our baby on board, we learned Jordan’s grandpa was sick. Grandpa Jeffrey was Jordan’s father-figure growing up and this was devastating news. We poured our hearts and energy into being with his family during this time and kind of sheltering our excitement for Baby Rupkey while we navigated this tough and trying time.

Kobie’s birthday was July 31st and the week before we were perusing the aisles of Costco. I’ll never forget when Jordan wanted to buy her a new pet bed and toys for her birthday. She already had 2 beds and why on earth would we invest in something that won’t be around in a few short months anyway. Listen, I know that is a morbid way of thinking, and I’m not trying to sound insensitive, but my husband of all people, didn’t like to “waste” money. I timidly mentioned that maybe we should hold off and gave him a look of “you-know-exactly-what-I-mean” and into the cart the items went.

In August, his grandpa passed away and I did my best to avoid any topic related to Kobie because I knew he was already dealing with enough. A month or two passed, and as my bump grew, my friends and family started speaking up and asking about our “plan” for the pup. It was a little embarrassing telling them that there wasn’t one…yet. It wasn’t long after that, that I knew it was time to bring this dreaded topic up to Jordan, since he clearly wasn’t going to.

It didn’t go well. He wanted to try all the things to help Kobie adjust for when we brought our baby home. Ya know, like get a blanket that smells like a baby, introduce the dog to baby things around the house, etc. I honestly don’t know what else people do, but this was so far off of my radar that I couldn’t even comprehend him wanting to “test” it out.

I told him to get a life. I know he thought I was joking, but I most certainly wasn’t. Very similar interactions continued to occur over the next few months. I kept telling myself to get through each upcoming milestone or holiday without bringing it up for fear of ruining the moment. February 2016 came and I realized we were within a month of meeting our baby, and really, it could even be sooner. I started to press him pretty hard.

Jordan had to be in denial, for it’s the only way I can rationalize him being so adamant about not upholding his end of the bargain. I kept saying that I’ve been acting like a mom from the day I found out I was pregnant and it was time for him to start acting like a dad and putting his child first. I’m not sure if that was fair on my behalf, but I was running out of time and getting desperate.

My family started pressing me hard, for fear that I would cave and put our child at risk. They kept telling me to “lay down the law” and “take control” and even though I didn’t disagree, I didn’t know what else I could do. Jordan started opening up to his family about his confusion and they didn’t want anything to happen to his dog. I know they felt like I was giving him an ultimatum and I guess essentially I was, but one that he agreed to all those years ago. We were truly at a stale mate.

As my due date approached and the tension was getting higher everywhere we looked, I finally told Jordan that if he didn’t have a plan for Kobie (putting her down or otherwise) before I delivered, I would not be bringing our baby home with him. Ugh…those words were hard to say, but I needed him to get it. I wasn’t messing around. We both had the same 9 months to prepare.

Friday, March 4th Jordan got a call from his mom and grandma saying that they just couldn’t stand for Kobie to be put down and they wanted to take her while we adjusted to life at home with our newborn. He jumped at this chance and they all relished in happiness for “saving” Kobie. Kobie was still “our” dog and Jordan agreed to continue to buy everything she needed; she would just stay at their house. Cue my eye roll. I was relieved that we had somewhat of a plan going into delivery and coming home, but I knew this wasn’t a permanent solution.

On Saturday, March 5th, while I pampered myself getting my hair, nails, and toes done, Jordan sheepishly brought Kobie and her things to his granny’s house and dropped her off. Whether he knew it or not then, Kobie would never return home. I’m sure he got an ear full that day, but we never talked about it. That night, my labor began. Ironic, right?

I refused to let this overshadow the joy we felt those first few weeks of welcoming our daughter into the world. I’ve never seen Jordan more happy than becoming a dad. He was beaming and all seemed right in the world.

Over the next few months, things would happen that made me uncomfortable at his granny’s house with the dog. Kobie was supposed to have a cage in the basement and be locked in it anytime anyone came over (us, neighbors, other family members, etc.) because Kobie was unpredictable, older, and we were still liable for her. These were guidelines all parties were aware of, but not followed. On several different occasions, Kobie was on a leash, without anyone holding her, and she was free to roam. One time, she came up to me and Summer to sniff around. Motherhood definitely gave me a voice when I previously wouldn’t have said anything. I spoke up and said, “Can you get the dog out of here?!” I’m not sure who grabbed her and put her away and I don’t care. I was so irritated I had to say anything to begin with.

Throughout the summertime, Jordan spent several hours each week at his granny’s house with Summer. This was special bonding time for them and I loved that his granny and mom got individual time with their granddaughter. I was skeptical of the shenanigans with my kid and the dog over there, but I was assured that Kobie was in the cage. I assumed this meant in the basement, like agreed upon, but I should have known better. I went there on a Sunday afternoon and saw the cage upstairs in the other room with Kobie in it and nearly freaked out. I knew right then and there that our agreement was not regularly enforced.

Not only did this cause some friction between me and Jordan, it also did between me and his family. They told me my “rules” were ridiculous and they didn’t need to follow them and I have never felt more betrayed in my life. In my mind, why would you prioritize a dog over a child? We all knew the risks Kobie posed, especially around babies. I wasn’t making this up and definitely had countless examples to back up my position.

At this point though, I really didn’t care. I put a halt on all of it. I told Jordan that Summer was not going over there (without me) until the cage was in the basement and Kobie was in it while people visited. We both knew his mom would never agree, so that was that.

After about a month of that, his mom and granny came to our house. Let me be real clear: I was not trying to prevent them from seeing Summer. I was simply trying to take back control of the dog situation that should’ve been resolved 6 months ago. Jordan and I talked in great detail before they arrived that day, reviewing how the conversation might go and what we would say depending on their stance. We were ready, but also optimistic that we wouldn’t need to back up our position.

Naive. We started off cordial, but it quickly escalated. They misunderstood the agreement and thought we should take Kobie back. I reiterated that that was never the plan and if they thought that, Jordan was at fault for not being clear. They wanted Kobie to return home and Jordan said that wasn’t an option. It ended by his mom getting up abruptly, slamming her coffee cup on the counter, and walking out the door without saying goodbye to any of us. Granny followed her after some parting words and I was literally left speechless. I was hurt because I felt like they were prioritizing Jordan’s dog over Jordan’s child. And that just does not compute with me.

We made an attempt to sort things out the next couple of weeks by going over there and “talking.” This too ended ugly. The thing I remember most is his mom’s finger pointing in my face, calling me names, and yelling at me. I’m really strong, sometimes to a fault, but I was at my breaking point. I walked out the door and locked myself in Jordan’s truck, sobbing.

I had my husband’s full support now to not take Kobie back in and that felt amazing. We were in this together and I could tell he was genuine. We tried explaining ourselves to other people and helping the family understand where I was coming from. Any and all support at this point was valued, as we were starting to feel isolated. It didn’t take long to realize that they supported us to our face, but quickly took the other side when we weren’t around. They all ultimately told us they didn’t want to get involved and that we had to continue this battle solo. That’s fine; noted.

I hated the position he was in between his family and his wife. I hated the position this put me in with my parents and friends. I couldn’t continue to defend this behavior and these choices and I was getting exhausted of the back and forth. Did anyone really think he would not choose his wife? Although I must admit, even I was beginning to have my doubts.

At the beginning of 2017, we were in full-blown project mode at our house. We were getting ready for Summer’s 1st birthday party and I was painting a lot. I vividly remember painting Summer’s closet when our next dog fight happened. This is when Jordan said he never remembered agreeing to putting her down whenever we had kids and I could have physically exploded. I know I screamed. I cried. And I basically gave up. I looked him in the eye and said, “If this is how you want our marriage to end and you are comfortable with telling our daughter that you chose a dog over her, then we can end this right now. I’m not okay with that, but you have a choice to make because I can’t do this anymore.” Saying those words out loud was not fun, but I think he needed to hear how I was feeling. I knew Jordan was better than this and I knew the next move was critical.

Nothing else was said until Jordan confirmed the vet appointment with me for late-April. I didn’t want to over congratulate, but I did give him a hug and say thank you. We didn’t talk too much about any of this leading up to April 28th, except discussing the cost and time of the appointment. It was reasonably priced (even though that makes me sad to say) to put her down, but there were tons of options in terms of keeping her ashes and commemorating her. He wanted to do it all and that annoyed me more, but I tried giving him the space to decide. He asked me if he could save her ashes and I told him he could do “whatever he thought was best.”

That day was tough. I made homemade dog biscuits for Kobie to enjoy before her appointment and said something sweet to Jordan before he left. I was truly trying to put forth an effort because I knew this was tough for him and I knew I had to contain my relief. He was super sad that day and even though he prolonged it, he was stepping up and choosing us. Because I’m not completely heartless, I let him have the emotional day he needed. And if you’re wondering, he made the wrong choice and spent the $450 on her ashes with a special box. Just what we needed, a visual reminder of the thing that almost destroyed our family.

Like I do with most major life events, I documented this day on Facebook. I did care for Kobie and I always treated her right even though I’m not a pet person. I believe I captured the predicament we were in while celebrating her life and the joy she brought Jordan. Some people in Jordan’s family thought I was being fake and it even got back to me that they all stood around the kitchen table reading my post, laughing at it, and calling me a bitch. I’m not sure why that person thought it was beneficial to share those details with me, all while basically admitting that she watched them behave that way and didn’t stick up for me. Maybe it cleared her guilty conscience.

Jordan doesn’t like talking about this and I can understand why. I appreciate that he ultimately did the right thing for his family, even though I’m disappointed it took him so long. Now that Summer is here, I have no doubt that he feels validated that he did the right thing and wishes it didn’t take him so long to act on that love.

I do still think of Kobie now and then and appreciate what Jordan did for me and Summer. My relationship with his mom is still somewhat strained and I’m not sure we’ll ever see eye-to-eye on this. I guess we don’t need to, but I do need some closure with her before I can just move on.

I’m sure some wish their biggest issues in their marriage were over a pet. And I get that on the surface, this is silly. But, this was big for us. I’m relieved that we came out on top and are even able to laugh about it sometimes. I always read my posts to Jordan before publishing them and I could tell this one shook him. He feels awful for how everything played out and described this as worse than reliving a nightmare. He’s embarrassed that he didn’t realize in the moment how badly I was hurting and even mentioned that hearing the words spew from my mouth tonight was almost more than he could handle. He’s not being a martyr and I feel bad that this made him feel bad. But, I’m not harboring any of this negativity anymore. I wholeheartedly believe that he learned from it and loves me and Summer more than anything in the world.

Kobie was loved, taken care of, and happy for 14 years. She helped Jordan grow up and shape him into the man he is today by showing him responsibility, loyalty, and trust. I’m forever grateful for that, as I think it helped him become an excellent dad. Much of this dog drama could have been spared, but ultimately, our love won and I’m doggone proud of that.